Loneliness leads to bad choices. Self destruction. Why can’t you see, I am incapable of feeling the way you do when you’re surrounded by people. Part of a group. You’re there with them and they with you. When I am there, I’m alone, when I am anywhere I FEEL alone. There are those that do love me and want to see me, say hi. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel this never-ending loneliness, even with those few. Right now, I will give myself a prescription. I will spend more time with those who I know, without doubt, love me. I will do things that I love doing, I will learn to do new, fun things and approach life with fervour and intrigue. But most importantly I will see the beauty in solitude and unconditional love.
As much as it pains me to leave this place, I don’t think I’ll be back for a while. If I’m going to move on, I need to walk away. I have so many fucking awesome memories. I’ll take the good times, the lessons learnt and the new vocabulary with me. I’m not walking away from the people by any means, it’s just this chapter is closed and I can’t stay stuck on this page.
I’ve been where you’ve been. Wanting to be who you want and fly far away. As much as it hurts and as cliche as it is, they say ‘if you love something set it free.’ I love you with my whole soul, so free you are, but I know as well as you, we’re just best mates. So here’s to the beginning of an awesome friendship.
I don’t think anyone, ever, has told me that I have a bad voice or that I can’t sing. Yet, I still don’t believe in my voice. This self doubt is painful. I want so much to sing.
I’m really trying not to have to take my anti-depressents. It’s hard to be so strong and not need them. Things are easy with them, in the emotions department. When I’m on them, I feel sick, I don’t remember long periods of time, it was like a blackout. Emotions are so difficult, it’s difficult to keep control. I’ve started Yoga, I think it will help.