I don’t think anyone, ever, has told me that I have a bad voice or that I can’t sing. Yet, I still don’t believe in my voice. This self doubt is painful. I want so much to sing.

I’m really trying not to have to take my anti-depressents. It’s hard to be so strong and not need them. Things are easy with them, in the emotions department. When I’m on them, I feel sick, I don’t remember long periods of time, it was like a blackout. Emotions are so difficult, it’s difficult to keep control. I’ve started Yoga, I think it will help.

Since I was about 12 I’ve wanted to die and now that is a reality but a slow painful reality, I’m scared. I’m also very terrified of getting old, maybe I should be happy to die young.

I’ve moved pretty much every year of my life. I went to about 6 different primary schools and 3 different high schools. I never really had friends. It always took too long for me and my shyness to start the whole ‘friend making’ process. Which, I think, greatly hindered my learning. I’m going to start studying in July and the thought of moving again makes me feel physically ill. Will learning be the best option for my children and I? I’m terrified the answer to that is yes.

I’ve never known how to be alive.

Emotional connections are a hard thing to break. It’s like you’re attached to this person with a piece of one flesh. But when there comes a time you have to break that connection and rip that flesh. It hurts, your heart aches and you cry, but you heal in time, you get up and you realise that one day in the future, you will make that connection again, and in the meantime your happy with that big piece of flesh and muscle pumping life through your body.

When I was a little girl, as soon as I could talk, I would walk up to people, strangers and friends alike, and I would tell them I was beautiful. I’d say “I’m beautiful, look at my beautiful hair.” My step dad who married my Mum when I was 5 decided that this was a bad thing. His religious upbringing had made him think that I was full of pride, and he threatened to shave all my hair off if I continued. I was a child, I was beautiful, was my being confident and loving myself such a bad thing? These days I don’t think I’m beautiful, I keep my hair short and when someone tells me I’m beautiful I don’t dare believe them. But now I can’t decided if I would be a better or worse person with just a sprinkling of confidence…